Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.
A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps. This blog is the edited transcript of the interview on Step Three. All the readings referred to come from Step Three in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.
When you were in the food, did you have a Higher Power? Was there any sense that you were reaching out for help from a Higher Power?
I relate to those who talk about their spiritual hunger. As a child, I found solace in church rituals and admired religious family members. As my struggles with addictive eating got worse, however, my connection to faith faded in the fog of my obsessive thinking. Although I felt moments of love and wonder they were drowned out by the noise and pain in my mind.
Even on my best days, I was consumed by thoughts of food, shame, and insecurities. This cycle of self-obsession made it impossible to appreciate the blessings in my life - my family, friends, and the beauty around me. My mind was a battleground of thoughts about my weight, how I looked, dieting, exercise, and cravings for food. It was a lonely way to live because I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
“Step three calls for affirmative action. For it's only by action, we can cut away the self-will, which has always blocked the entry of God or our Higher Power.” (12 & 12, P.34) How in your daily life, and by what specific means, do you let your higher power or God in?
When I was new in recovery, attending meetings became my lifeline. Because my life was particularly chaotic and undisciplined, attending meetings gave me life structure and began to cut away my self-will.
Just yesterday, an AEA member reminded me of the importance of meetings. Initially, I resisted attending an additional meditation meeting, convinced I had too much to do. Thankfully, I reached out to a long-term sober member and asked what she thought. She pointed out that when we feel we don't need a meeting, it's often a sign that we should go. Her words struck a chord, making me realize I had been stuck in self-will regarding a project. It felt like my Higher Power spoke through her, helping me see the obsessive thinking and allowing me to hear the quiet, intuitive nudge to attend the meeting.
This morning, I talked with a fellow member about the power of sponsorship. I shared that sometimes when I talk to my sponsor, she may say little, but the right action becomes clear during our conversation. Being honest with my sponsor and others in recovery helps loosen the grip of my self-will. Left to my own devices, I easily fall into self-delusion, thinking I'm fine or better than I am. By talking with my sponsor and fellow members I hear the clarity and freedom I need to help maintain my spiritual condition.
I love this little bit, “We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in… how well does it actually work? One good look in the mirror ought to be answer enough” (12 & 12, P.37). Despite knowing that, you want to live a life of surrender or live the intention of Step 3, do you still see that willfulness coming up, or is that less now?
I can definitely relate to the struggle with self-will. Like others, I'm far from perfect. Just recently, in a meeting, someone described herself by saying, "I’m an alcoholic. I’m a pig." I laughed because I related. As a sober addictive eater, I’m still an addictive eater, and I know how easily I can get off the spiritual beam distracted by external problems or my thinking. Take work, for instance. Our administrators have been challenging for quite a while, and I've been quick to criticize, even though the Big Book tells me to avoid resentful thinking like the plague. I'm embarrassed to admit that I often caught myself complaining to colleagues, a habit that wasn’t helpful to anyone. Thankfully, my sponsor helped me see this. Saying the resentment prayer repeatedly also helped including the abbreviated version, "God bless them and change me." Nowadays, I'm more aware when disturbed and open to letting it go. But as a flawed human being, I need to constantly practice letting go of self-will and letting God in more and more.
Can you tell me a little bit about dependence? I'm assuming initially your dependence was on your sponsor, and you were ringing your sponsor daily and giving your sponsor your food plan. Then at some point, your sponsor would have stopped that and would have encouraged your dependence on a Higher Power. Was that something that was a pretty natural transition for you?
Interestingly, when I think back on my early days in recovery, I realize that I didn't start calling my sponsor daily until about 18 months after I met her. So for me, as I started getting better, I phoned more.
This pattern holds true for me today. The closer I stay to my sponsor and the AEA fellowship, the stronger my connection to God. I don’t believe I grow closer to God by trying to be more independent. I'm comfortable admitting that I need a sponsor, the 12 Steps, and the fellowship of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. They complement each other and go together. They're not in conflict. It's similar to what the Twelve and Twelve explains, where the more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Likewise, the more I'm willing to be open and honest with my sponsor, attend meetings, and help others, the more I trust God.
The word "dependence" makes me think of addictive eating, food cravings, and obsessing about food in a hopeless loop. But in recovery, I don’t think it is an unhealthy dependence to do whatever it takes to stay sober including having a sponsor. An analogy to this is my dependence on modern conveniences like running water, the internet, or electricity. It is fair to say that I’m dependent on all those things, but what does that mean? I could live without them, but I wouldn’t want to.
It has also been my experience that my sponsor doesn't tell me what to do; instead, she listens and shares her own experience with the Steps. I appreciate that she allows me the freedom to make mistakes, to learn from my experiences, and to have my own understanding of God and what it means to turn my will and life over to the care of God.
I completely agree that God is very much in people out here in the world. How I see it is that in my inner life, there is God within, but out here in life, God is in people. I very much see that my relationship with God is as good as my relationship with people. I think the whole thing somehow works together like that as one whole.
Now, a lot of Step Three has the word willingness in it. So when you first came in, you obviously had some degree of willingness. How willing were you?
When I first came in, I had some degree of willingness. The pain of early recovery made me willing to do what I needed each day to get sober from food, alcohol, and anything mind-altering. Looking back, I see that desperation as grace from a Higher Power, for which I am deeply grateful today. Back then, though, I was completely ignorant; I simply didn't know what I didn't know. Over time, I realized that I needed even more willingness, a consistent willingness to let go of old ideas and change ingrained behaviors from years of addiction.
At the beginning, maybe I was about 95% willing. I was willing to attend lots of meetings, call my sponsor, and work the Steps. But underneath, there were still reservations lurking in my thoughts. Then I picked up the food again, and it was the pain of more eating that truly convinced me of the power of the disease of addiction and the necessity for sobriety above all else.
I completely agree that we're fortunate to have had that initial willingness and to have kept coming back no matter what. For those of us who stuck around, it truly is a miracle, considering how easy it would have been to have drifted away. As for why some people stick around, I've come to see that I don't know what's best for others, and that's a good place for me to be. In the past, I had fears about the future of our fellowship, wanting it to grow, and fearing that it wouldn't. But I've learned to let go of that fear, realizing everything will be fine regardless.
Today, in a meeting, we talked about the principle of attraction, not promotion, and I've seen how powerful that approach is. People are drawn to this programme because they're not being chased or persuaded to stay. They're given the freedom to choose for themselves and follow their conscience.
I love this programme; I'm immensely grateful for the life I have in sobriety and for the effectiveness of the 12 Steps in my life. And God willing, our fellowship will continue to be there for others who, like me, need and want recovery.
In some way that is Step 3 in action because that is trusting that God's will is being done even though we don't necessarily see what direction it's going or it might not be what I think, but it's God's will being done presumably.
So now that you live more of a surrendered life, let's say, do you have what it talks about here about a fear of turning into a nonentity, of looking like the hole in the doughnut?(12 & 12, P.36)
As for living a surrendered life, occasionally, I wonder if my life might seem weird or dull to my more worldly friends and family members. But mostly, the richness of life in sobriety outweighs those concerns. I also believe that even if I weren’t in this fellowship, my lifestyle would not be mainstream. So it's about self-acceptance, being confident in who I am, and how I need to live. Life as a sober member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous continues to get better for me. It's like what the Big Book describes, that the consciousness of the Presence of God is the most important fact of their lives today. Practicing all the Steps including Step 3, is the most important fact of my life today.