Right now, all is fundamentally well. I have taken a few minutes to write as three preschoolers play around me. I have an opportunity to breathe, to be quiet and to notice the breeze blowing through the fruit trees outside in my backyard. It feels good to stop and notice God in the breeze, in the air around me, and to know that God is with me and within me too. I am not alone fighting, fearing life or feeling like it’s all up to me.
I used to eat addictively to ease the discomfort of living in this world. My eating took on many forms including binging, starving, over-exercising and obsessing about my weight. Today, I don’t have to live that way. Occasionally, I get a random thought about exercising or eating or drinking something off my food plan. But I remind myself how food and alcohol never brought me ease or comfort. They just numbed my thinking for a while, the desperate and neurotic thinking about myself and my need to make life comfortable. I’m so grateful I don’t have to live that way anymore and that the 12 Steps offer a powerful solution no matter what is going on in my life.
I am relieved of anxiety and obsessive thinking
Even when I have fearful and anxious thoughts, I know there is relief. I can breathe and be grateful. When my husband and I started planning a home renovation, I felt uncomfortable about the changes, the decisions and the expense of it all. My reaction was to try to control every last detail, going over the decisions, revisiting them obsessively until I became tired and weary from all the thinking, and I remembered Step 11, to ask my Higher Power for help. Then I stopped for a few minutes and meditated on my breathing. The anxious thoughts quieted down and I was able to feel peace.
Life is abundant and good when I focus on the solution I found in AEA
As I reflect on that experience, I see the toddlers are happily exploring the toys and quietly looking at books. The builders are here repairing the bathroom wall and installing a shower door. There is enough money to pay the bill without me worrying about it. My husband has work today, and my children are well and happy at school. I’m grateful for it all, for our animals to love, for our home, and for an abundance of healthy food to eat. Life is good, there is hope. While my fearful and self-centred thoughts have not been removed completely, I have found a powerful solution in the 12-Steps of AEA. I can practice letting go and relaxing into the grace of a Higher Power rather than constantly trying to run the show on my own. I can also try to serve others, for example, by writing this blog with the aim that it may perhaps help someone else who needs to know they are not alone and there is a solution to the problem of addictive eating and self-centred thinking.