Letting go of the chase for romance and finding freedom in Addictive Eaters Anonymous

There’s a line in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions that I really like: “For thousands of years, we have been demanding more than our fair share of security, prestige, and romance.” I especially relate to the romance part, because I always thought that if I had a man in my life, everything would be perfect. I would start to live; there would be somebody to lean on, to cling to. It was all about me. I never thought to myself, What can I bring to this relationship? Never. It was all about what I could get.

I can remember my mother saying to me, “Men don't like clingy women,” or words to that effect. But I knew that I would be incapable of doing anything else because the man would be the one to solve all my problems.

I'd always chased. I was the one who chased. I never waited for the man to become the hunter. I was always on the prowl. So, of course, it never worked out, because for whatever reason, I always seemed to get the ones who were as sick as I was. But I didn't realize that at the time.

When I first came to meetings, I was very lucky because a member took me to a lot of meetings. Coming home, she would always say the same thing: “Keep your vision narrow, keep it firmly fixed on the programme.” My sponsor was another one who said, “Go help somebody else.” I didn't know what they were talking about, but I kept hearing it and hearing it.

Of course, when you've got nothing left, what are you going to do? Your focus is going to be on the programme. So my vision narrowed. My sponsor kept saying, “This programme comes first. You do not fit this programme into your life; you fit your life around the programme.” And I stuck very, very close. My vision was focused, and over time, those thoughts of men and romance gradually faded away.

From romantic fantasy to spiritual fulfillment through 12-Step recovery

I came to a stage where one day I didn't want to be that old teenager who always chased. I came to believe that if God wanted me to be in a relationship, to have a man in my life, He would make it happen. I wouldn't have to get out there and go chase and find.

My daughter said to me one day, “Mum, because you’ve been on your own for so long, why don't you go out, have fun, we could go to a bar together?” To me, that sounded sick, and I recognized it. I said, “Thank you very much. But no, thank you.” I have not chased. God hasn't seen fit to bring a man into my life. But I have found that I have a wonderful life. I have everything that I want or need. I don't need to lean on a man or anyone else because God is there.  I am content.

Looking back now, I see how recovery has given me freedom. Letting go of the need for romantic attention was one of the most unexpected gifts of this programme. I didn’t just stop chasing men - I stopped chasing the idea that someone else could fix me. That empty space I was always trying to fill with men has gone. And the result? Peace, contentment, and a life that I never thought was possible. I’m not waiting for someone else to complete me. I’ve been made whole by a Power greater than myself.