Practising meditation with Step Eleven
Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.
A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps. This blog is part two of the edited transcript of one member's interview on Step Eleven. All the readings referred to come from Step Eleven in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.
The step asks: “how, then, shall we meditate? The actual experience of meditation and prayer across the centuries is, of course, immense.” (Pg. 98). What has your experience of meditation been?
I used to try meditating from time to time, sitting quietly, trying to focus on my breathing. But my thoughts kept coming in, interrupting. So I thought I was no good at it, and I never persevered with meditation. I thought other people might be able to do it, but I just did not seem to be able to. Although I did try at several different times, I did not persevere.
I used to read As Bill Sees It every day for years. I think it is on page 264 that it talks about the Step that keeps us growing. It says that if people tell us how well we're doing, but inside we know that really we're not, then it is likely that the answer to this is our neglect of Step Eleven. Every time I read this, I used to think Oh no, that is me. Then I would have another round of trying to meditate. But, as I said, I never persevered.
The thing that eventually made me persevere was physical pain. I had terrible migraines for a number of years, and I got to a point where I felt I could not go on with them. I was beside myself, as they were very bad. I used to be bedridden for days. At that time, when I felt totally beaten by them, an AA meditation meeting began where I lived. I started going to it once a week, and something about meditating with other people, and hearing their experiences of meditation, their difficulties with it, the same things that I had experienced, helped me to persevere with it. When I started persevering with meditation, I started to benefit from it within myself, and the migraines miraculously stopped!
So, do you have a focus in your meditation? Is it your breathing? Or is it the inner sense of a Higher Power? Or is it listening to the words on an audio recording? What is the focal point that is keeping you in the present?
That's a tricky question. I sometimes do guided meditations, and the meeting I go to has a guided meditation. But at home, I am a person who really likes the quiet. I like to have no sound at all, particularly if I'm meditating after work, before I start on my other activities. That is often a time I meditate, and I definitely would not have a guided meditation then. I just sit with my eyes closed and breathe, focusing on my breath.
Recently, I started counting. I heard someone at a meeting talk about counting. And I was pleasantly surprised that I had actually found that quite a good way to stay focused on my breathing.
I certainly have learned through persevering with meditation over the years now that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. There is no good or bad meditation. I just do it when I can, when I get the opportunity. I have not had a bad meditation. I have not meditated wrongly. It’s just the way it's been that day, and it's fine. Any time I spend connecting with my Higher Power is good.
What is your experience of meditation after you come home from work? Is it that you can put your day behind you and you feel more present and focused, or do you feel calmer? What changes for you?
It is good as a transition after I have had a busy work day in a busy, noisy office. I come home, and after a while, I start taking phone calls, more worldly activity. I think it's completely possible to be connected with a Higher Power when all these things are going on. But there is just something for me about the quiet when I first get home. I am more able to connect with my Higher Power in the quiet. I’m just a person who needs that, and yes, it does make me feel more present and therefore more calm.
In the St. Francis prayer, it talks about becoming a channel and about asking for the grace to bring love, forgiveness, harmony, truth and joy to every human being. Can you explain your idea of becoming a channel?
Yes, I certainly do believe that’s the case. I need to be the channel from my Higher Power to the people around me. The Power not to eat and to live a sober life, I believe, comes from God. But it can't stay in me, it has to be passed on. I am just the channel, I'm not actually that important. The important part is what is flowing through me and what I can bring to other people. It is taking me out of the equation.
The St. Francis prayer also talks about self-forgetting. In the actions you take, do you think, Oh, this will be good for self-forgetting?
Self-forgetting is not really a decision. It is just something that happens. It is one of those things that comes about as we persevere with meditation. There are all sorts of things I have found that have come about from meditation. Self-forgetting is one of those things; it just evolves from having more conscious contact with my Higher Power. Almost like a byproduct. It is not something I have worked on for myself.
Is meditation something that can always be further developed that has “no boundaries, either width or height” (Pg. 101)? Step 11 talks about it being an “individual adventure” (Pg. 101). Is that your experience? How do you see your meditation changing?
I guess meditation is an adventure. I don't need to know what is ahead. I have not planned my meditation journey to date. It just continues to evolve. I still go to that meeting every week, and that helps a lot, because I am meditating with other members. After that half an hour of group meditation, members have a chance to share about their experiences of meditation. It is very focused sharing in that meeting, and I learn a tremendous amount from that. If I were just always doing my own meditation, I probably would not learn as much. But being in that group and hearing other people's experiences is what has helped me, and that is what Step 11 is about, and all the other Steps too.