Behaving better at work with Step Ten

Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps. This blog is the edited transcript of one member's interview on Step Ten. All the readings referred to come from Step Ten in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.

It talks in Step Ten about how there are different inventories: a spot check inventory, the day's end inventory, the careful review with a sponsor, and the annual house cleaning (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Pg 89).  In the beginning, did you do formal inventories?

I tried what it says in the book about how to work Step Ten, but come nighttime, my brain is like squash. So I learned, over time, that I would be reminded of something that had happened during the day that I needed to talk to my sponsor about, or it might have been something simple that I could rectify myself. In the beginning, I remember how much I would own up to things, say I’m sorry, and think, what's my part in that? But half the time it wasn't my mistake. I was just always apologising and probably overdoing it. Time has taken care of that. Now I can pause and look at the situation, at what happened, and look at my part in it. I can see if I owe an apology. I can do that.

That's such a lovely reward of Step Ten, that pausing and that knowing. It does say every time we are disturbed, there is something wrong with me. So I can see how you could start trying to take responsibility for all sorts of situations. It talks about, is there any place for justifiable anger or justifiable jealousy? Can we have any emotional reaction or not?

Sometimes, it just comes out. Recently, there was an incident at work, which is where it happens most of the time today. I got really angry about something that I was told was happening at work. And honestly, it's the worst I've felt in a very long time. Recently, somebody was sharing about the washing machine. My stomach felt like a washing machine, and my knees went weak. I was so furious. Thankfully, I needed to go home to meet a tradesperson, so I said to myself, “I can't do anything about this now”. That helped because if I had gone and voiced my anger, I would have been absolutely ropable. But I came home and rang another member. I asked her about it. I took a breath and listened to her suggestions about what I needed to do when I went back to work, which I did. And I still have not gone to see the person involved. I haven't said anything. I just went about the rest of my day, aware of the situation, taking in what I saw, but I did not let that reaction come out, which is huge for me. It was amazing because I honestly have not felt anger like that for many years. So something's working. It’s God.

Absolutely, it’s God. It says, the first objective of Step Ten, is the development of self-restraint, which is exactly what you're talking about… “avoiding quick-tempered criticism and furious power-driven argument, sulking or silent scorn” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Pg 91). It goes on, “thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Pg 92).  Do you relate to that? Is that kind of big-shot-ism in your being?

There has been the odd occasion when I thought I knew better than you. I think that is what you mean by big-shotism? At the moment, at work, there is new management. I've been there for such a long time, I know how the system works and different things. But there is one person in management who does not particularly like me, and the feeling can be quite mutual. I know she won't come and ask me because it means that I know. And sometimes I don't want to tell her what I know. Let her find out for herself. But I don't say it. Then I think no, I know why I’m here and what I've got to do. I have got a 12-step programme. I have got to work the programme.

I've had another example of that at work. Something bothered me. It didn't sit right. I thought what I was asked to do was a bit miserable, but it was up to the boss.  As I walked from one office to the other, it got in my gut. And I thought, it's not right, I can't do this, I can't say this. I am not management; I need to do what's been asked of me. Then I went round to the management office and asked the boss, Have you got a minute? I said something was bothering me. And she agreed.  Then she told me her side of the story about what had happened. And I thought, yes, there are always two sides to the story. The boss suggested a compromise, and she asked me, “How does that sound?”  I felt so much better, but it was just in the space between going from one office to the other. It was that gut feeling. The thought that I was not the boss. Then, I heard both sides of the story, and they were both right.  I intuitively knew I had to talk to the boss about it. But earlier, I was just going to do what I wanted to do myself.

So you had to put yourself and your thinking aside and have that little bit of humility and check that feeling that something is not right, that intuition, which is something that Step Ten helps to fine-tune. Listening to that voice of intuition is part of that whole letting go and letting God. When I think back to being in the food, I ignored that inner voice because I was so busy, acting on self-will, all the time. So, it's just so lovely to hear about that inner voice being listened to; it’s inspiring because even now I can ride roughshod over the quieter thoughts that come up.

Step Ten goes on to talk about how we begin to see all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, we then appreciate true tolerance and real love for our fellows (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg 92).

That is something that I am learning and keep learning, particularly in my job. I see people at work, and sometimes I think, you're just one of us. And I have that tolerance. Then sometimes it annoys me because they are so much like me. I don't want to see it, because that reminds me of what I am and what I was like. But I am grateful today that there has been some improvement. But it certainly shows me that not everybody is as well as they look. It is all learning.

I agree that it is those things I particularly don't like in others that are the things about myself that I don't want to look at. Some people are like a mirror. They show us our stuff sometimes, which is hard. Now, can you see that kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody? … Not my will, but Thine be done, (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg 93)

I got told recently “to pull my head in” by someone at work because I had said something that he didn't like. He set me up because when I complained and the manager spoke to him, he said, “No, I didn't do it”.  He lied.  It really hurt me. For two days, I was quite angry and didn't say anything. But I still have to see him. Today, I have to say hello and be polite. This is what I have to do. I haven't been told to do that. I was told that it would be a waste of time for the boss to write a letter to him and say, My staff won't be spoken to like this. They decided that the best thing to do was to do nothing because he's that type of person. So now I have to practise that kindness, that love. When I see him, I don't avoid him. I just say, “Good morning, how are you today?” and I carry on. The other day, he was putting on a wee show because I was there. But I just ignored it. And I'll tell you what. That’s hard. It was very hard for me because my thoughts were not nice. But today I know that I am not my thinking.  That is what I hear in the Addictive Eaters Anonymous meetings. I am not my thinking. And today, I want to be a better person. I want to be able to practise courtesy and love and tolerance. But man, sometimes that can be hard.

Absolutely. But what I hear in that story is you not reacting to that situation, but responding, which has that pause in it. You've got the thinking, but that's not coming out, and you're behaving differently from your thinking. It is such a gift of the programme to have that space between my behaviour of what I want to do and what I do. It's really nice to have that little bit of a gap there.

That wasn't me because when he told me to do that, he also told me to terrorize someone else, and I never said one word. I believe today, that's definitely God. That's not me because I'm ready to blast you with whatever comes out of my mouth. But I didn't, and I'm very grateful for that because he probably would have used that against me as well. I believe that God was working there.

It’s so hard to see that behind his behaviour, he has God in him, as we all do. It is difficult to see God when somebody has that pushing-away behaviour. Then Step Ten finishes beautifully with this bit about “an honest regret for the harms done, genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be permanent assets that we shall seek” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg 95). It is a beautiful approach to your daily life.

To try for better things tomorrow is something that I look at as I’m living in the day, and living in the now. Sometimes, as I leave work after some of these things have happened, and there's always something happening in the day, I think, maybe things will be better tomorrow. How I look at things can be better, too. Another thing is being shown to look at things differently, not my way, but being open-minded enough to listen to the suggestions that people are making, especially listening to my sponsor and the managers. I've learned such a lot from the managers to do with my job, but also to do with life. It is about listening and not having to be told how I have to do it. It is being open-minded enough to take suggestions on board, to think about it, and to think I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get well. And if that means that tomorrow, I want to do things better than what I've done today, then that means I'm open to it.