Progressing towards perfect release with Step Six
Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Six: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps. This blog is the edited transcript of the interview on Step Six. All the readings referred to come from Step Six in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.
It is an interesting little conundrum in Step Six that asks why shouldn't we be able to achieve a perfect release from every other difficulty or defect when we have had that from our addictive eating? “This is a riddle of our existence, the full answer of which may only be in the mind of God” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, P.64).
Absolutely. But if I compare those two things, that perfect release was because I was completely miserable with eating the way I was. I came into the fellowship completely hopeless, where I wasn't getting any benefit at all out of addictively eating. I think I opened up to wanting to let go and turning to God as the solution, whereas with my character defects, as much as they pain me, it is not always enough. With defects, I want them gone. When the pain gets bad enough and it no longer has any benefit in my mind, then I stop and I surrender.
It says here, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character… is the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, P.65). So, it's not just a step that you took, and then that was the end of it.
It's an ongoing process. Through sobriety, I see what a wonderful life is possible, and I live my life by the principles of the 12 Steps as best I can; I really want to build character. Now I'm at the point where a character defect can come in, and one of mine is that I can get very self-righteous or morally superior, and it doesn't feel that painful. But on the other hand, painful or not, it's not building character, and it's not going to keep me open to receiving God's grace. So I can see it now, and I become aware of it, and then I will turn to prayer and say, I'm ready, even though it doesn't cause me pain and misery. It is easier to surrender when it does. I try, like you said, the reading talks about trying and progress. For me, I need to go to any lengths to try, so I can be open to God's grace and be helpful to others, serve if I can, and be a good person.
Exactly, our character is us being how God would intend us to be. Is that how you would interpret character?
I interpret character as God's will. I also feel like the more character that can be built, the less likely my reactions to others will be hurtful to them. For example, I used to shut people out or make caustic remarks all the time. Judging people closes me off from others: you're separate from me.
It is interesting that what you're talking about is mostly internal now, not acted out. So do you think you're catching your thinking more quickly before it becomes an action?
Mostly, but I still sometimes don't. Afterward, though, what's really different is sometimes I can go, oh, that probably wasn't the higher road to take in how I reacted, or what I said. I can feel it pretty quickly. Fortunately, for a lot of it, not everything, I've developed some restraint. Being sober and being in recovery in AEA, I've gotten the structure and the discipline, so vital for me to be able to live these 12 Steps and turn to God for the solution. I don't always want to because sometimes it's easier to just let things go. Another thing that I do, sometimes, is to just do what's most convenient; that's part of the defects of character, to do enough and think, “I’m fine.” But it needs to be beyond that if I'm going to continue to make progress or try for that ideal of what God wants me to be.
All through Step Six, it talks about it being a lifetime process. “In the mind of a rationalising alcoholic …. He could say, “How very easy! Sure, I'll head toward perfection, but I'm certainly not going to hurry any” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, P.69). Sometimes there isn't a sense of hurry, or come on, get on with it. It's very easy to imagine that we can take all the time in the world.
I identify with that. That's what I was referring to when I said I can go the path of least resistance. I totally relate to that.
I don't experience so much rebelliousness, but I can become complacent. I can’t be objective about myself. If I give myself a grade in this, and say you're fine here, you feel great. That's not what it's really about. It's not about feeling good or what’s convenient, and that's good enough. I think I get the most out of Step Six or any of the Steps by doing what’s least convenient. And I need sometimes to be pushed, or to be helped to see that I am taking the path of least resistance.
So, it’s a lot of doing the opposite of how you feel or just doing something you don't really want to do.
Yeah, and just keeping it up. I've gone through periods where I'm doing everything, and it’s very inconvenient. What I mean by inconvenient is it's not exactly easy for me, or not exactly what I want, that kind of thing. But I have felt the most pleasure and relief and sense of peace when I've reached or stretched out that far.
So although it's uncomfortable and not the easiest path, it is, in fact, the most rewarding when you do it?
It really is, feeling like a bit of an accomplishment and closer maybe to what God's will is rather than me just hanging out.
That sort of harks back to that character, doesn't it? Because feeling good and hanging out doesn't really build character. Stretching, like you're describing, that is the building of character.
That's it exactly. Having said all that, now, I don't want to compare myself to anybody else when it comes to doing the steps or in trying to progress and seek release from my defects of character. We all have strengths and areas we thrive in when it comes to service or just in the things we do for others.
We need help. We need so much help. But by Jove, we get it.
Yes, we do. Slowly but surely. Progress, not perfection.