Taking responsibility with Step Eight

Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Eight:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps.  This blog is the edited transcript of the interview on Step Eight.  All the readings referred to come from Step Eight in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.

This step talks about being "concerned with personal relationships" (12 Steps and Traditions Pg 77).  The step goes on to talk about how this is a large order, and a task that we may never really finish - the learning to live in peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women.  How did your life look when you looked back on personal relationships?

I’ve always struggled with personal relationships. Over the years, I’ve had many “best friends,” but I found it hard to maintain those friendships. I would get some idea into my head, like they were getting closer to someone else, and then feel jealous or less than, and just slowly slip away. Sometimes, I would just get bored and move on. It was like I didn’t value those connections at all. It was too easy for me to cut people off.

One of those friends told me, years later, how much I hurt her when I just disappeared. At the time, I had no awareness of how my behaviour affected others. I only thought about how others affected me.

Step Eight talks about how “we’ve repeatedly strained the patience of our best friends to a snapping point” (12 Steps and Traditions Pg 78). Did you find it difficult to see the wrongs you had done to others?  Were you more aware of the wrongs that had been done to you?

I always saw myself as the victim; the world owed me. I was full of self-pity and resentment. I could rarely see the good in my life. Gratitude felt completely foreign to me. I blamed my family, especially my Mum. I told myself she was the reason I binged and vomited. If she hadn’t left my Dad and the family home, I’d be okay. It was all her fault. Now I know I was born with the disease of addiction, and no one is to blame.

I also had such high expectations and demands on friends and family. In romantic relationships, I constantly needed reassurance that I wasn’t fat; that they weren’t going to leave me. It was exhausting, especially for my partners. One boyfriend eventually broke up with me because it was just too draining.

I wasn’t a people pleaser; I expected people to please me. Looking back, it’s embarrassing how much I took from those around me: food, alcohol, money, attention, affection. I used people close to me to try and feel better.

It’s funny how we think that we have not really harmed others. Step Eight talks about that “purposeful forgetting” (12 Steps and Traditions Pg 79).

It wasn’t until I came into recovery that I learned to think about others. To ask, “How can I be of service today?” To ask God to show me where I can be helpful. Before that, the idea of helping someone else without getting something in return had never even crossed my mind. Why would I help anyone if there was nothing in it for me? That used to be my attitude. Recovery has changed all of that.

While you were compiling the list of those people you had hurt, you must have been mindful of the prospect of having to perhaps front up to those people, or at least write to them, in fact Step Eight talks about “we got a pretty severe shock when we realised we were preparing to make a face-to-face admission of our wretched conduct to those we had hurt” (12 Steps and Traditions Pg 78).  Do you recall if that was challenging for you?

I remember clearly when I first realised what Steps Eight and Nine actually involved, going back to the people I had harmed, admitting what I had done, and asking if there was anything I could do to make it right. The very thought made my stomach churn. It felt like an impossible task.

But as time went on and especially after reading my Step Five with my sponsor, I began to see just how selfish and dishonest I had been. I no longer wanted to be that person who hurt others just because I was so caught up in myself. I really wanted to make amends. I was ready, but full of fear.

You not only made the list, but also got to examine your personal relations. Step Eight notes “while the purpose of making restitution is paramount, it is equally necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can….. our flaws … Thoroughness we have found, will pay - and pay handsomely”. (12 Steps and Traditions Pg 80).

Yes, I knew I had to be thorough and put everyone on my list, even those people I dreaded going back to. The one I feared the most was my boss from my first job out of college. I worked in an office, and most evenings I stayed behind, not because I was working late, but because I was waiting until everyone else left. I’d go through people’s drawers, take some of their food, or raid the staff kitchen. If someone had brought in treats after a holiday, I couldn’t wait to be alone so I could eat them.

My boss used to organise cards for people when they were leaving or celebrating something special, and we’d all contribute money. On more than one occasion, I went into her drawer, opened an envelope, and took some of the money to buy food in the supermarket downstairs.

The thought of admitting all of this to her filled me with deep shame. I felt physically sick at the idea of facing her and owning up to what I had done. But I knew that if I was really serious about changing, I had to go back, be honest, and make amends.

So the harms you caused others came from those flaws, and you then had a list of those people, as best you could remember. I note that Step Eight warns us to avoid extreme judgment, and holds a promise that this is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.

I think Step Eight is about taking responsibility for my selfish actions and focusing on my side of the street. And yes, for me, letting go of extreme self-judgment. For many years, I thought I was the worst person, but that’s still all self-obsession, just the negative kind. I had to stop punishing myself and see that I was a very sick person at the time, and that today I’m given a second chance to live and act differently. To live by ‘what can I do for you,’ instead of ‘what can I get from you.’ I’m grateful I get to live a spiritual way of life today and be there for my husband, family, friends, and the fellowship.