Moving forward without fear with Step Nine

Step Nine in Addictive Eaters Anonymous: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

A member of Addictive Eaters Anonymous spoke to other AEA members about their experience of living the Twelve Steps.  This blog is the edited transcript of one member's interview on Step Nine.  All the readings referred to come from Step Nine in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous book.

Step Nine is obviously something that is not just a thing you did once with a list, but it is part of your day to day life, although it then becomes Step Ten… Do you still make amends these days?

In my behavior, absolutely, in my behavior around my parents, my husband, my daughter, and colleagues. But that's just the AEA way of life, of being useful, being of help, and being of service. I never knew before I came in here, how to be useful, helpful or of service, and not to brag about it, but to make it into a way of living, quietly and taking responsibility for my own life and my own actions. That is an incredible thing to be able to do. Before everybody else was always to blame. But today, if I have a problem, I thank God it is my problem so I can do something about it.

It talks about a new attitude and a new relationship with our Creator. That's the aim of Step Nine. It is kind of funny, even though we are talking about other people and taking action, it is actually deeper than that. It is about the Creator. It is about being able to live in this life. That was what really stood out to me, and also what I was told coming into AEA, I was told, “Keep doing what you're doing. It's a miracle.” And most days I actually pinch my arms and say, “Whoa, life is good.” There are things that happen, but it's a whole different way of being in this life. That was what really stood out for me, the desire to do right, not to be right, and not to be so caught up in my own ideas. Especially at work, I know exactly what everybody needs to do. Then I can pause and I can breathe, thank God, and I can say, this is not getting anywhere. Then I can ask, curious, what would you like to do? How would you like to do it? Instead of being so fast with my own needs and my wants.

So you have a relationship with a Higher Power? Is that something that has arisen while you've been in the program?

I think I have always had that longing for God; I have always had a longing for a Higher Power. There was a priest who once said to me, “You're living like you're inviting him in, and then you say don't look now. Look now. Help me. Don't help me.” And he said, “You need to be consistent. You need to invite God in for everything, into all your affairs.” I think that's really what comes through in the years I have been in AEA, to invite a Higher Power into all my affairs, instead of closing my eyes on what I also consist of. Accepting it is good, it is bad, and there are so many ways a Higher Power can contain it all and help me because of the pause many times a day. It says in the Big Book, we pause, we breathe, we ask, your will, not mine, and even not believing it, it helps because of that pause.

So you have a deliberate pause. As you go through the day, you think to yourself, I'll stop for a moment. I'll breathe.

Oh, yeah. I do that because I'm very fast. That is okay, but God does not want all that speed. He wants me to slow down a bit. Sometimes, it is funny, because I can get a bit impressed by how fast I can do things, and then I will think, “Nah, easy does it. There is enough time in the day.” There is enough time.

There is the doing and the being. It can be easy to do a lot of doing, more challenging with the being. But that is part, in some ways, of having a full, rich life. Sometimes I forget to pause, because I've got this wonderful life and recovery, which is so great, but without conscious contact with a Higher Power then that wouldn't last.

No, that is the whole difference. It is not me. It is the program, sponsorship, and a Higher Power that is creating this life. When I came into AEA, someone said that they live their life around the program. I thought that sounded so boring. But I really get it today. If the basics are intact, that is fundamental to everything. Then I discovered that relationships are important, and it was not true what I told myself, “Oh, don't mind it. It doesn't matter, or they were envious of me”, or all those crazy stories. We need each other, and we need to be in this life in a good manner.

So do you think Step Nine has made your relationships better, and that it has brought that ability to admit, apologize, and make those amends?

I think it was absolutely necessary, in order to have the relationships I have today. I once thought it was not necessary to talk about those things, but I knew some time after, that it was absolutely necessary to take responsibility for my actions, for my behavior, to build relationships from there, and then to be able to help others with this way of life.

And it is the step that people often fear when they come in and look and think, “I have that ahead of me. Oh, my goodness, I'm going to have to go and do that.” And yet, as you say, it just becomes a part of your life and working this program and it is a great step. It is a wonderful thing to be able to do. It is a blessing to have Step Nine.

I think it is because you see clearly if you do a thorough fifth step. Whoa, this is what I'm doing. This is affecting my relationships. We didn't just separate because of youth. We separated because my behavior was too much. Some friends had the dignity to tell me, “We cannot cope with you anymore.” But a lot of people just disappeared quietly. That is also a good way of finding out what is up and down.

It is painful to have to face that and yourself. Painful to have to see yourself in that unflattering light.

It is, but at the same time, it is more painful to live in denial in addiction, and acting. Every day I turned the show on like the actor it talks about in the Big Book. I always loved new environments, to go new places, to meet, charm and talk to new people. I didn't know what I was doing. I thought that was really a quality. But today, I know the real quality is to be able to be in relationships with family, friends and colleagues, and to be able to continue with them. That is really important instead of always wanting to go somewhere else.

I'm married and, looking at that, I see I had awful relationships because of addiction, all the time looking for something else, being in one relationship, dreaming of something else, not even for the fun of it, but for the uncertainty. And I had a whole story built up. I was abandoned in my first relationship; “Look at what he did to me!” Then someone pointed out to me, “Why are you doing it to everybody else?” I knew that relationships and the sex thing were a problem, so I had to work with that as well. It was too much, but it's not like that today. That is also sponsorship, which is just so magical.

Also in the Big Book, it says, If you do not change that behavior, you will, for sure, drink again. It is funny, because when I started in AEA, of course I liked my husband, but today I really love him, and I'm taught all the time how to be in a relationship, how to have fun and build the relationship. That has really made a tremendous difference in my life with my husband and daughter. I could not have imagined that because I was just surviving before. It is awful to say, because you need to work on everything.

When I dared to speak out openly about it with my sponsor and other sober members, then the change could come.